Originally written for and published by an online, lifestyle publication.
In case you couldn’t tell by the smell of your burning flesh in the sweltering heat, summer’s here! And that means it’s time to hit the beach to work on your natural glow. Tanning is a ~transformative~ experience, physically and mentally, and while your ideal physical goal is to rival any one of the Kardashian sisters on the bronze-ometer, your mental evolution probably goes something like this.
1. This is the life.
2. All I need now is a cabana-side drinks service.
3. How long am I supposed to lie here?
4. Good thing I brought something to read.
5. I literally can’t see a thing. How do people read at the beach?
6. Well, at least I have music.
7. When do I turn?
8. I’m sweating profusely. Is this sexy?
9. Definitely not sexy.
10. Maybe I should get in the water to cool down.
11. Totally just flashed the entire beach because I forgot I untied my bikini top.
12. On a scale of Elle Woods to Kim Kardashian, how tan am I right now?
13. Holy sand blast.
14. Are people staring?
15. Sure, you can set your umbrella-for-eight up right in front of me.
16. Is it time to re-apply my tanning oil?
17. Where did all of this sand come from?
19. My hair is a mess. This is not cute.
20. Time for another dip.
21. Bow down, peasants. Make way for this glistening goddess.
22. How many tanning selfies can I post to my Snapchat story before my friends start deleting me?
23. iPhone needs to cool down before I can use it? Time to go home.
24. Wait, did I forget to turn?
25. #RuinMyLifeIn3Words: uneven tan lines.