Originally written for and published by an online, lifestyle publication.
Another weekend, another wild night out. I’m not sure if that’s necessarily true for everyone, but unrealistic TV sitcoms and even worse reality TV seem to suggest otherwise. I’ve grown to detest the nightclub scene; in fact, it’s highly likely that I never actually found this remotely enjoyable. Eighteen-year-old me was just a poser with a bottle habit and a credit card she was not responsible for paying. Still, I learned in my later years that nightclubs present one odd but entertaining hobby (not drugs, don’t do those): people watching.
Have you ever stood back and really assessed the mob of surely upstanding human beings who plague the dark and glorified dungeons that are nightclubs? I have. Here are 10 people you’ll probably meet at the club on any given weekend.
1. The Bouncer
He will, undoubtedly, convince you that because you’re his pal, he’ll let you in—no worries. Your entry has nothing at all to do with the fact that you’ve already paid the $200 cover charge and met the dress code requirements; it’s all thanks to this kind and humble soul, the bouncer…who simply did his job.
2. The High Roller
Four times out of five when a $1,200 bottle of anything comes out, adorned with obnoxious sparklers, it’s going to this lucky guy or lady. They’re here to have a good time and, in this world, happiness knows no price limit.
3. The Bathroom BFF
You bonded over your immediate and urgent need to relieve your vodka-saturated bladders. They complimented your outfit. You asked about their night. It was magical.
4. The Table Topper
If this isn’t you, you sure as hell want it to be. You are absolutely certain that this person is the happiest person in the club and you’d like a shot of whatever they’re having, ASAFP.
5. The Bachelor
This handsome, smooth-talker is surrounded by gorgeous girls all night. 10/10 would go home with him, 10/10 would need an STD kit in six weeks.
6. The Birthday Girl
Piercing screams of excitement precede her and her squad, and they leave a cloud of glitter in their wake. She, of course, is the one wearing the plastic tiara and the bedazzled sash.
7. The Wallflower
(Probably you because you’re playing people-bingo with this list)
This person is wildly attractive, but also incredibly mysterious. They’re detached from the crowd and you suspect it’s because they’re way too cool for the rest of us anyway…or because they’re a serial killer on the prowl, still exciting. You can’t keep yourself from sneaking glances in their direction all night long.
8. The Beloved Bartender
You vocally profess your love for this bartender like you’ve never done for anyone else. This heavy-handed artist of drunkenness is the person you’ve looked for your entire life and you have reached new levels of satisfaction in a relationship you didn’t know existed.
9. The Ex
Running into this person sends you running back to the beloved bartender.
10. The College Kids
The most hyped squad in the club, this group of partygoers has been chugging the cheapest drinks all night, which is probably why they’re wayyy up. They’ve been responsible for almost every group dance and group chant that’s erupted, and it’s totally lit—their words, not yours.