The year is 2017: global warming is a thing (this is a fact I’m not interested in debating and I’m less interested in the fact that you think God will fix it); avocado toast saves lives; dog videos have replaced cat videos on the Internet; and if you’ve recently graduated from college, you are probably unemployed. If you went to grad school like I did and you haven’t decided if you’re pro-PhD yet, this is even more likely. To make things worse, this means that not only are you unemployed and balls deep in crippling debt but you are also now well into your 20s. Being the adult that you are, you probably feel compelled to take this time to really contemplate life’s greatest lessons. Here are a few you’re likely to discover one or two months into this shitty ordeal.
1. There are few more demoralizing things than charging your $3 Trader Joe’s wine to your mom’s credit card.
I mean, I’m sure you can think of a few but this one’s fairly high on the list too. Nothing burns quite like being judged by a middle-aged cashier named Todd, wearing a neon pink, Hawaiian-print, short-sleeved shirt.
2. You can re-watch 10 seasons of ‘Friends’ more than once per month.
Just in case you were wondering. In fact, if this has always been a dream of yours—and it should be—now’s the time, because no one told you life was gonna be this wayyyyyy. Your job’s a joke [this one doesn’t apply to you because you’re unemployed, let’s not forget], you’re broke, your love life’s DOAAAAAA. It’s like you’re always stuck in second gearrrrrr. When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year, I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU! They are the friends you don’t have (or want because you’re antisocial AF).
3. All your Instagram profile needed was your absolute, undivided attention.
Finally, the secret to Insta-fame that no one’s been telling you. Forget the Insta-pods. Abandon the hashtags. To hell with VSCO cam. What you really need to do is quit your job! Nothing says feed goals like the carefully curated photo grid of an unemployed millennial desperately trying to prove to the world (read: randoms she went to high school with)—and herself—that it’s all sunshine and rainbows over here and that everyone else should rile with envy. City skylines of glamorous locations you visited months ago, unicorn bagels you can no longer afford and old selfies beaming with the lost glow of a steady paycheck…that’s what your Instagram needs right now.
4. And speaking of finding ways to pass the time, you do not want kids.
Ok, let’s be honest. You’re 25 and unemployed; this isn’t in the cards for you anyway. But, I digress. Being home alone all day has alerted me to just how painfully needy my dog is. A two-legged version with opposable thumbs and decent command of the English language is bound to have at least twice times the whining capacity of my dog. I’m not ready for that. In fact, I’m about to charge his daycare fees to my mom so I don’t have to throw that squeaky, stuffed bunny for the 478th time today. Enough Taco, enough! We’re all miserable here.
5. Lastly and most importantly, no one cares about your degree.
This one should be obvious to you by now. The end result was great for the photo op; that ~candid~ shot of you from behind, lightly touching your bedazzled graduation cap that you decorated with a quote from ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ shot your Insta engagement up by the hundreds. And for that, you should be grateful because, let me tell you, it’s all downhill from there.